New house, new routine......will it help?

What a long couple of weeks…..It’s been busy, emotional and just plain blah!

I am finally catching up with friends, which is always great though and has helped my soul a little.

My boss has gone on leave for a month, so getting everything ready for her to go was making things much busier. I did all her itinerary and preparation and I am jealous! I want to go on my trip now!!!!!  But I am looking forward to things being a little quieter in the office so I can catch up on lots of admin jobs and get her organised while she is not under foot! :)

Also, I have moved into a friends parents place to house sit for a month. A gorgeous 2 storey terrace, 15 minutes to the city and one beautiful pussycat to look after. She is a loving cat, but not so much when I am rushing out the door and discover she has vomited all over the carpet and then ran out the front door.....so not only did I have to clean that up, but I was hunting her down to get her back into the house....needless to say I was running VERY late for a meeting.  Oh the joys of cat sitting.

I have also put my back out. I couldn't get an appointment last weekend for my Osteo and ended up going to see a Physio....who did help with the pain in my shoulder blade, but I think he stirred things up with everything else (I really need to learn that I shouldn't mess with my back and have people who don't know my history work on me)....because things got worse, I ended up going to see my Osteo during the week (taking time off work) who put me back in alignment and I was starting to feel much better until Saturday night when I slipped over. I came crashing down on my bad knee and twisted all my back again…..not only once but twice. As I went to step away from the puddle I slipped again……so not good. Didn’t feel to bad at the time but waking up yesterday I realised how much damage has been redone! So I am going back to the Osteo today for another session…..more time off work.....

Friday was weigh in day (as per usual) and all I can say is …..not a spectacular week regarding weight loss……… but .6 will do…it’s downwards.

The weekend however was a big blow out….. I went for drinks on Saturday night for a mini school reunion. It was great to catch up with the girls. Some of them I hadn’t seen for about 20 years. Others for at least 7 years. Yesterday was a hangover day and I managed to eat as much as a small army and unsurprisingly the scales gave me a nasty shock today ….…. really going into ‘diet’ mode for the next few days to get back down to a more ‘comfortable’ weight. I made myself a menu this week, with lots of fish and salads and healthy foods…

I am seeing a new doctor about my band on Friday and I can’t wait. I probably need a small fill to take the edge off my hunger (because this lady can eat loads of food at the moment…..like in scary quantites)….which is part of the problem considering I should have some restriction. In fact, I don’t actually know how much is in my band….I have had so much fill put in and taken out and I am sure the last doctor was writing down the wrong dosage….most days I would say that I had very little…... and who knows what it's doing to my pouch.....so I am feeling positive that this new guy will be able to help me and put me in the right direction.

It's operation feel good about myself and refocus month……



Hope you all had a great weekend gals!

A Pledge to Myself

I’ve come to the realisation that part of my “issues” with gaining weight and being more Band Failure than Band Star lately, is that I have lost accountability to myself. From the very beginning of my journey to the point of leaving Dubai I was determined and accountable to get there, to chip away at the huge amount of weight that I needed to lose and changing my lifestyle choices forever. I set myself small weight loss goals and worked towards them. I didn’t beat myself up too much if I didn’t reach them (as long as I was continually losing and doing all the right things). Somewhere in the past 18 months, things got so chaotic and out of routine and unhappy that I have forgotten what to do and how to be accountable. In fact I feel like I have forgotten how to eat with my band. Since returning to Oz I have been scoffing carbs, which of course I now crave again, junk food and not to mention the many work lunches that I seem to get invited to (which when you look at what I eat isn’t actually too bad) and trying to eat all the wrong foods. I feel like I am back on that diet yo yo cycle again and I am experiencing all the emotions that go with it. But today it has to end……NO MORE EXCUSES!


So, today I am making a pledge to myself to get things back in control and into a routine, and not let what is going on around me affect my journey any longer. I am setting myself a small goal of 5 kilos. Once I get to that goal, I will set another small goal, perhaps to get under 100kilos again. I am also going to make time to get back into the blogs and following my girls again….it’s been far to long…..

To be honest, I have come this far on this journey by myself (obviously with a support from the blogs and a couple of friends that are banded in Dubai)…….but I realise now that I wasn’t contending with what is going on at home. I could focus on myself. I realise that being back home has reawakened all the old wounds and drama and crap that has always been there, but now I am confronted with it again……and I have again let it affect me. It’s not an environment that is healthy for me when it comes to weight loss. Seeing that I am not in a situation just yet to change that, I have to learn to deal with it (and live with it) for the time being. Don’t get me wrong I am very lucky and very appreciative that I can return home and live the way I am and have the support of my family….it’s just very hard to be back in that environment after being so independent for such a long time. I think I have proved that I can look after myself! It also doesn’t help that I don’t like their behaviour towards certain things, but that is something I am not ready to confront……..

So that is my pledge to myself…..it’s a start.

Random Photos from Cambodia Part 1

When life is to short.....

Today, for some reason I can post on my blog and view some of your blogs! Yay….


So what’s been happening in my world? I have managed to STOP gaining weight…no weight coming off but I have not gained over the last 3 weeks…so that is something!

Don’t know why I can’t get the scales to move, even after a week of doing the dreaded shake diet (remember the one we all had to do pre-surgery)…yep you heard me right…I did a week of shakes and it still didn’t shake things up….very disheartening and frustrating.

On that note, I have made an appointment with another doctor. He has come highly recommended. I am going to take along my scan of my pouch and fingers crossed he can help me out (actually it’s gotta be better than the one I was seeing)…I so miss my doctor in Dubai…he was my saviour right up to the week that I left. But I just can’t keep making excuses anymore…I need to take action and sort this out before it gets out of control…I don’t like this feeling of being out of control and I certainly don’t like this feeling that all I am doing is focusing on weight loss/weight gain/diet/negative emotions etc….that was a cycle I vowed would stop 2.5 years ago…but that old feeling is slowing returning and I want it to stop.

Other things are going okay, I guess. I am still finding it extremely hard to settle in here. I am not ‘unhappy’ but I am certainly struggling being back. It’s lonely! I have many friends, but I don’t see them very often as they are all tied up with family life etc. That’s okay, I didn’t expect everyones life to stop while I did my thing, but it does make it harder and I find Sydney not that easy to get out and about and meet new people. My job is going well, I get on really well with the people I am working with and my boss is very happy with me. I have been out a couple of times with work colleagues, which is nice, but I feel that it is going to be a slow process of making friends that way. Lately I feel that things have been up and down.

Last week, has been a sad and emotional one. The day that my family was mourning the one year anniversary of my pa’s passing, my world was rocked by the sad news of a friend, a friend who took his own life. I did not know him very well, I had met him through a very good friend of mine, however it has affected me more than I could have imagined. Questioning my own mortality, and what is important and what I want in my life. As I have said today, life is to short and it can be taken away from you to easily sometimes. I know the gang is taking it very hard and as it’s overseas I am unable to be there for them. I have very mixed emotions about it all…..but my final conclusion is this….I hope that he has been able to find the peace that he could not find in this life. I hope that angels have him wrapped in their arms. RIP

But life goes on…………it’s these challenges that makes one stronger……

There's a bulge....and not just around my tummy!

Wow, its' been 2 months since I posted....I really have gone AWOL! 

I wish I could say it's from living life to my fullest and not worrying about my band and that life is all rainbows and lollipops.....it's quite the opposite!  Let's just say that with my new job (and crazy hours), no access to blogs at work and no computer at home (mine is on the blink), I am finding it extremely hard to keep up to date with everyones blog and my own................so if your on fb, I will be emailing to catch up...I don't want to lose contact with my favourite bandsters.......

After my last post, and my last fill I ended up gaining weight....yep, I gained weight!  How I do not know, but it just seems to be happening and my emotional and head space is so screwed up by this that it's making it worse.

I ended up getting really bad reflux at night.  I couldn't sleep properly (except sitting up) and I was feeling like crap.  So I ended up going back to the doctors again to have some taken out....I don't like my doctor that I have in Sydney.  It's time to finally find another one..  I haven't been happy since day one with him, but he is convenient to where I work and it's cheap.  But I realise now that he is not going to help me.  Why?

First of all, when he took the 1/4ml out.  I said to him that I felt that I needed  a support group.  His reply " I don't really suggest support groups, they can be very negative and I don't want you exposed to that negativity.  I mentioned that maybe I should speak to someone.  His reply, no I don't think you need it.  I only refer patients to a therapist if I think they really need it!................Um what do you do and what do you suggest!!!!!!!!!! 

He then had a shot at me about not seeing his dietician.  I told him I hadn't seen a ditician, because he had not told me about her....He then got angry with me and said in a very stern voice "Why Not?  You should have been seeing the dietician"...I said " I have never seen the dietician"  His reply, What, you should have been seeing the dietician since before your surgery!  It's a pre-requiste!"  I just looked at him in absolute disbelief, thinking is he serious?  He was.....When I said to him, through gritted teeth, that he actually hadn't done my surgery and in fact I had it done in Dubai...he cleared his throat with a ahem ahem and said....oh, yes, of course.

I was dumbfounded.  Is he that blind to his patients history and journey?  He could not even remember that I wasn't his patient in the beginning!  I am over this.......

so he sent me for a barium swallow to check that everything was ok with my band and to make sure that there was no slippage or anything.  When I got the results back, he had a quick look my xray and said oh you have a small bulge in your pouch.  I was devastated.  He said that it sometimes happens later down the track (it's only 2 1/2 years)....and his course of action.  Just get back to basic diet and see how it goes in the next few months......on your way!  He certainly does not care about my well being and the band being successful for me.....I am devastated.  What happens to the bulge? Can it shrink?  does it get bigger?  How does that affect my band?  None of the questions were answered and I am left in the dark.

Yeah right! I don't think I will be going back to him.  I will be making an appointment to see another doctor.

I feel like I am spiralling out of control again.  My weight is up to 110 kilos...there I said it....that is 11 kilos heavier than my lowest weight.  It's official!  And I am devastated.  I know what I need to do but everything that I do doesn't not seem to budge the scale.  Last week I did a week of optislim (like you do for pre-surgery), the scales yesterday morning was down about 1/2 kilo.....nothing to be excited about...today of course I am back up once I started eating "normal" food.  Oh yeah and I have been working out.

Why is my body rebeling?  I have to get under control again.  I know its emotional.  My circumstances here in Oz really has a lot to do with it....I am trying to work through it....but to the detriment to my weight.  I am proud of how far I have come, and I don't want to be hard on myself about going through all this at the moment, but when it is affecting my weight and making me feel disgusting like it is, I don't feel proud any more......

I don't want a bulge in my pouch.  I want to be successful at this weight loss journey.....I want to get rid of both bulges for good......

In the background

I am here, floating in the background. I can't access my blog at work and haven't been home much to get on the Internet at night. However, I am doing okay and will hopefully be getting some time on my own soon. I have joined the gym again and this week I have been three times. On Sunday, I did a spin class. My first one in 12 months. I pushed myself hard. I managed to keep up with the pace and even though I was hurting at one point I was determined to push through it. I kept going over in my head "I can do this, I can do this"....I had a smile on my face at one point and at another I was nearly in tears. When the class finished and I wobbled off the bike I was proud of myself. It wasn't until 2 days later that I realized that the class was the hardest on the gym runs... They advertise it as the 60 minute monster!!!! Wow, no wonder I found it tough.... I have also done a workout on the cardio equipment, even doing a little sneaky jog (because I wanted to feel that cardio push) but unfortunately I am paying the price with the knee... I just have to learn that I can't run anymore. Tonight I went for a swim....I am certainly starting to feel better about myself... The first steps to finding my mojo again. Things got quite nasty last week with my ex... Basically I finally vented everything that has built up over the last couple of months and finally thought we could stay friends, 3 days later u found out that he has a new girlfriend....well let's just say that world war 3 nearly broke out. I kept my head about it and stayed civil and adult, he on the other hand showed his true colours. I now realize that he has manipulated me for to long! How dis I let that happen? Anyway long story short I am moving on and it's all lifted off my shoulders.for good!!! I haven't lost any weight and I think I am too tight but I am hoping as I get back into the exercise that it will help me eat better! I just need to get into a routine. I just wish I could access the blogs more... Through my iPhone (which I am on now) is not ideal. But I am hovering in the background! X

I can't be trusted when alone.......

I have had a fantastic week and I saw a loss of 1.1 kilos taking me down to 103.8...I am on the right track....so why did I spend my Friday and Saturday eating everything and anything I could get my hands on?  I feel disgusting.  I have eaten all the wrong foods and over eaten...and yes PB'd a couple of times.  I realise now that I just sat at home alone and decided that is what I felt like doing...eating.....I haven't done this in such a long, long time......I am disappointed in myself.

Tonight, I am questing myself why I have done it....I feel guilty, I feel sick and I still don't understand where it came from.....I really am not over the emotional eating part as much as I thought.

Yes I am struggling emotionally being back in Oz and yes I know that I am going to go through more emotional episodes, I don't need to be to hard on myself...but years of that train of thought...it's hard to let go sometimes..

So tomorrow is a new day and refocus on what is important.  I am going to put this episode behind me and move on. It will happen from time to time, but until I know what is triggering it...I need to concentrate and have a bit more will power!

Crap......

Ever have days that you feel like this?

Water came out my nose.....and a fill.

"Don't cry because it ended.  Smile because it happened" Dr Seuss

this was posted on my friends facebook this week and I stole it and put it on mine...I am starting to feel this way, which means I am starting to come to terms about the heartbreak and slowly moving on....it actually feels good that I can start seeing the good come out of the bad.....

After the past few weeks of yoyoing, I went and had a fill on Monday.  I could feel new restriction levels straight away, and spent the next 2 days doing liquids and mushies. 

I went to see a Annie, the Musical this week with some friends.  It was a good night.  We met for dinner before hand, but seeing I was there super early (as I went straight from work in the city) and knew if they were running late I wouldn't be able to scoff dinner down fast...so I grabbed me some sashimi and slowly paced myself through the meal.  It was delicious....and by the time my friends arrived I was full and they had to rush dinner! 

I weighed in on Friday morning and was down .8 taking me back down to 104.9...lowest I have been for a few months....it's a start!

I have had a couple of nights where I have had a night cough and last night just as I was about to drop off to sleep (I sleep on my tummy), my nose started to drip badly...like water just dripping like a tap....as it was dark I actually thought my nose was bleeding...but when I turned the light on it was just water....seems that the glass of water I drank before going to sleep decided to not stay in my tummy.....gross hey?  Anybody else have this happen before?

I am going to take note about the times I eat before laying down as this has been a problem before for me, waking up PBing or just having food work its way up the throat....also I don't want to start getting reflux. 

I just hope I am not to tight and its just the adjustment period until my fill settles in okay.

I am starting to settle in a bit more and now that I have a bit of money again, I am starting to get out and do things around the city.....unfortunately we have had no summer what so ever...it sucks big time...its cool, raining and just blah...I want sun, sand and frivolity that is usually associated with December and January (apart from Christmas).

Anyway, all hope all are well in blog land....

Take me back......to where things were good

I want to rewind and go back to Christmas 12 months ago because I had perfect restriction and perfect wait loss.  I had gotten down to my lowest and I was getting fit and toned...so what happened in January 2011 that made things go down hill....

Looking back at the past 12 months I have been all over the place, up and down, up and down and I feel like a human yo-yo!  The past few months my weight is creeping up quite fast and it's scaring the hell out of me... I can't make it stop (actually I take that back, I KNOW I can make it stop, but I just feel out of control like I used to before I was banded. 

I feel like I am constantly struggling and nothing I do is making me lose weight...I have a good week, great, the following week I seem to have no restriction (and no will power!) and I am back to square one...do you see the familiar pattern here?

I have decided to have another fill on Monday to see if it will help me get rid of some of this insatible hunger....I am also going back to the gym.  I am hoping this can get me back on track and refocus....I never thought that I would struggle like this again (or until I got closer to my goal)...alot of this is my head screwing with me....but I don't want it to take over my life...I don't want to go down that path ever again.

I had the follow up with the Dr about my knee and its not great news...not bad, just not great....I don't need to have surgery just yet, although the next few weeks back at the gym and exercising the knee will tell otherwise, there is bone on bone and lots of cartilidge floating around my knee cap (which will eventually need to be cleaned up)  I also have arthritis....so at some point in the distant future a knee replacement will be on the cards....I got quite upset with this, knowing that not only my skiing injury is to blame, but my years of obseity and my knees having to carry that weight around...they were overloaded and abused!  It's only know that I am lighter and some pressure has been taken off that injuries are starting to appear.

My job is going okay.  My team is great and I am settling in fairly well. My car is fabulous and I am happy that I bought a brand new car...I have never had a brand new anything!  I jsut have to pay it off :)

As for other things, my head space is doing okay today.  I have good days and bad days. Something I haven't really talked about yet, was that I was seeing someone in  Cambodia.  Someone that I fell in love with.  Someone I did not expect that I would have feelings for.  I fought those feelings for awhile before I realised that I had to give it a go.  He was Cambodian, much younger than me....24 years old in fact (so a13 years difference) (thats why it took me by surprise) and we got on very well.  I was teaching at his school and we both had a vision for the future about the school, our lives and where we were going....(as I said it totally blew me away)....we talked about future plans, I spent alot of time with his family, we even talked about having a family......when I left Cambodia I was devestated that I was leaving anyway, but leaving him was hard (I promised myself once before I would never do the long distance thing again), so we parted "friends" knowing from both sides it was difficult.  We skyped every day we missed each other very much.  Of course we had a few cultural differences (as well as age difference issues) but we seemed to work through them.  I was learning Khmer and learning the cultural ways of Cambodia, he is very western and wanted to do right by me....

I don't often let my barrier down when it comes to love...I don't date, I don't have boyfriends very often, I don't jump into anything and I am very guarded (for good reasons)....so I was really letting myself open up to love and everything that goes with it.....so what happened? 

Christmas Eve he sent me a text message telling me he loved someone else.  Always had, always will (basically his words).  This person is someone I knew he had a close relationship with as friends (although she lives in Australia).  So he had lied to me the whole time I was in Cambodia, plus the 6 weeks I was back in Oz....I felt betrayed, cheated and extremely broken hearted....what makes it even harder is that this woman is 54 years old.....I really struggled with the age difference between us, so to find out that I was being dumped (by text message) for someone that is 30 years older than him (17 years old than me) hurts....deeply hurts....I was broken....and to have this happen on Christmas Eve just kicked me down even more....

I honestly can't believe that my heart has broken so much....I honestly have surprised myself with those emotions and feelings for someone....I am slowly going through the process of healing and moving on....it's taken a bit...as I said I have good and bad days....I just want it to go away....so many wonderful experiences I had in Cambodia involved him and unfortunately those experiences and memories are tainted with his betrayal.  I can't think of something that was a happy experience without thinking of him and my heart hurting.....

but I know eventually I will get there................it just takes time I suppose?

The job, weight loss and a new car!

I'm a week and a half into the new job and I am liking it so far. The team I am working for is lovely and I have been made very welcome. So it seems I am settling in okay and my boss has told me that the other girls I work with have given me the thumbs up? I am assuming that means they like me? Last week I managed to drop 5 kilos!!!! omg!!! Obviously lots of water retention over the Christmas and new year season. I am refocusing on what I am eating and portion sizes. It has helped alot with restriction and limiting pb's. So last weeks surprise has certainly got me back on track. With the bew job I get a free gym membership and I plan on taking full advantage of it. Tomorrow I see the specialist about my knee. I had the MRI last week and hopefully it will be good news. My knee is much better but I still can't squat or kneel on it. But if I get the all clear I am back in the gym, although I will be taking things very easy until I know my limitations. Plus o haven't been in a gym in 9 months I am ashamed to admit. Another exciting but if news is that I bought myself a brand new car. I have never had a brand new one and I am excited. I ha no intention to buy so quickly but I dis want to test drive some on the weekend and with all the new year car deals I ended up getting one. I got a Mazda 3 hatch. In red! Love, love, love it! As I was at work my dad went and picked it up for me today and soon as I got home I jumped in and took it for a spin. 6 speed manual got some grunt!!! Mamas gonna hit the road this weekend :) my friends are laughing as they think it's a sign that I will have to settle in as I have committed to an expensive-ish car! I am taking each day as it comes. So much has gone on since arriving home it's been emotional to say the least. But all about this will be blogged about soon....I need to lick my wounds a but mire before talking about it. On my last note, it's good to be back on here and reading ya blogs. I really have missed my girls!!!!

Off the Rails!

I am having mild panic attacks about how much weight I have put on...I know my weight went up a few kilos over the past few months what with relocating, travelling, death, surgeries, family woes and emotionally stressed, but since Christmas Eve I have put on about 3 kilos!  WTF?

I am bloated and feel like crap. Okay, I was visiting friends in Melbourne, but I didn't think I over-indulged that much...but it just goes to show that eventually the laziness and lack of self control was going to bite me in the bum...HARD!

So after a year of mucking around, being lazy and losing all focus on what is important (ie this weight loss journey and getting to goal) I NEED to get back on track...it's not even a want anymore...its a necessity!  I don't want to go back to that bad, dark place ever, ever again.  So its time to buckle down for good and get back on track and focus on this 8 week challenge that I set myself and haven't done great on it.  So much going on at the moment....but that is no excuse!

On saying all that, I did have a fantastic Christmas with my family.  It was very low key, just being with my parents and grandma...as other family members were off visiting other sides family etc, but it was perfect.  Mum still did a roast pork, turkey (roll), ham and roast vegies....it was devine...Santa was good to me (although I knew about eveything he was bringing me)....I was given the Wii Zumba game and looking forward to starting doing some dancing..............

but I have to still wait until I know about my knee.....its getting a little better, but every know and again I knock it and it gives me grief.  I am having the MRI and seeing the surgeon this week and next week, so fingers crossed for good news...

I start a new job tomorrow.  This is my first real, full time, responsbility job in 9 months....I am apprehensive, nervous and excited all in one....it will be nice to be earning some money again.  I had to go and buy some office wear to fit me properly (as this will be more of a suit and professional affair) than what I was able to wear in Dubai.  I have induction all day tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

Happy New Year everyone...Hope 2012 is a wonderful year....

A right old Knees up!

My week is going okay...actually the start of my week was great eating wise...but the last 2 days I have been eating out of boredom...and that is not going to show good results on Friday.  I am so bored!!! Truly bored out of my brain.....I can't even think about what to pack (I leave on Friday), I wasn't even enthused about wrapping presents....what is wrong with me? 

One great thing this week is that I have received a payrise BEFORE I have even started the job....unbelievable! I was shocked too...  Merry Christmas to me :)

As I may have mentioned in an earlier post, I seemed to have injured my knee some how...it was getting better after many icepacks and days of rest, but on Sunday, whatever I did, I have stuffed it up even more.  I am in more pain than ever...so a quick visit to the doctors again, and I had an emergency appointment with the Knee Specialist...the same day, that never happens....but because of the Christmas/New Year public holidays etc, it's going to take longer.

So off I trundled to the surgery and he suspects I may have a tear...so I have to have an MRI in January and then go back to see him and see what the results are.... in the meantime I have to take anti-inflammatories, don't use a knee brace and put up with the pain...SO NOT HAPPY....makes me want to reconsider ever helping little old ladies that fall down escalators ever again!!! thats who got me into this mess in the first place!

I am going away next week to Melbourne to visit friends...but with my knee I don't think I will be doing anything to active! 

Tonight we had a small family Christmas dinner with my 4 year old niece (she is going to her other grandparents for Christmas),  she is getting spoilt rotten by her Aunty Roo....amongst her "big" presents from Nanny, Poppy and Aunty Roo, the sandpit I bought her is the biggest hit!  I like being the favourite Aunty (even though its because I buy the coolest presents LOL)....

Weigh in and Measurement Day

On the weight and measurement front...wow, feels like I haven't updated this FOREVER, I was disappointed on the measurements (but not surprised as I have put on weight AND not exercised properly for months).  But I feel like I am back on track...this week I lost 1.7kg's.

Neck: -
Bust: +1.3
Hips: +4
Waist: +4
Thighs: +8.5 (each) - i!
Calves: -
Arms: -
Total gained: 26.5cm

Now, my thighs were startingly disturbing...I think my measurements of my thighs went wrong somewhere in the past (as there is no way I could have put 8.5cm's on each.  I think perhaps I was measuring lower and lower down my thigh each month!  Next month I am going to make sure I measure my thighs in the exact place as I have in the beginning and even measured exactly from a freckle on each thigh where to measure from.....

No longer "unemployed"

Since I have been back in Oz I have been looking for some work. I hadn't had much luck and was starting to get a little worried. That worry ended yesterday as I have been offered a job. A good job. I am a little concerned about taking a permanent position because one, it grounds me, two, I don't know if I really want to work in an office anymore, three, I am comitting to something. My head is all over the place and settling in to Oz life isn't really happening for me. Even though I have worked during the 4 months I was away, I wasn't paid and technically unemployed! It is going to feel weird dressing up in heels and a suit again. Perhaps this is what will make me settle a bit. I just hope I have made the right decision for me. Alot if Money has been invested in me for this job, I just hope I don't disappoint. I know I can do the job, I just hope I can keep interested enough....time will tell.

Wardrobe Meltdown

I have gone into complete meltdown over my wardrobe....I am going out for drinks in the city tonight and not one of my tops fit me comfortably...even a top I bought in Cambodia.  I know I have put on a few kilos, but this is ridiculous!  When I returned from Dubai and the hot desert I had a wardrobe full of gorgeous dresses and very dressy tops and pants....coming back into winter in Australia, I made do with the few winter clothes that I had, seeing that I was moving to Cambodia.  The past 4 months in Cambodia I have lived in shorts, skirts, t-shirts and thongs (flip-flops for those non Aussies).  I didn't want to buy a new wardrobe for winter and I knew that when I returned from Cambodia I would need to buy a few more things for an Australian summer (and a bit more smart casual, rather than dressing to the 9's every time you go out)............but today I am in trouble...(and disappointed that I am back to feeling like this!)

tomorrow is D day...I HAVE to get back on track.....so I am setting myself an 8 week challenge, starting tomorrow!  Yep, even over Christmas and New Year....back to basics, writing everything down, counting calories and exercises at least 3 times per week. I need to get back under 100 (about 8 kilos to get off) and work towards my goal (and the tummy tuck!).

Any suggestions or tips on how to really get back on track properly???? I seemed to have forgotten how to eat and what to eat!

Anyway, hopefully I will be comfortable tonight and savour a few drinks before the challenge begins.

Do I have any readers left?  I have been a non-blogger for so long, I feel I need to re-introduce myself and get to know you all again (if you will let me!).

I have returned to Australia after a life changing 4 months in Cambodia.  I know, I know, I made promises to update you on how it was all going, but I truly just didn't find the time....I haven't even updated my travel blog!

I experienced and discovered so much in Cambodia that I am certainly a different person (or the person that has always been there, just not discovered).

I'm okay with the band.  I had a small unfill before I left and...well lets just say, rice and noodles weren't a big problem (although I still couldn't eat much).  I managed to not put on huge amounts of weight, I was cycling everyday and eating healthy.......it's since I have been back in Australia that I have come unstuck and need to get back on track.

I went for a fill last week, and so far no weight has come off...I am eating the wrong foods...I am depressed and sad and on top of that I have twisted my knee very badly, which has stopped exercise (and I have been to lazy to go for a swim!).

It's time to take the reins again and get on with the rest of this weight loss journey.  I also severely need support and I have realised I am only going to get it from here, from this community....it's time to touch base again with all my great friends I have met through here.....I NEED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF FOR A BIT...it's been a whirlwind 2011.....where it's been about everyone else.....

I have been honest with my weight gain and have updated my ticket accordingly, as sad as I am that I am back in triple figures.....I have some clothes that I was desperate to wear this summer, which don't even do up!  I have been hanging around the house, bored and sort of just waiting for things to happen...I am looking for a job and I have no money to really be out doing things....plus my heart just isn't into it....I will talk more about Cambodia and it's impact on me in later posts (plus some photos!), but what I can say is that I found true happiness there (within myself and with life in general)...........I will be returning one day, at this point I need to re-prioritise and finish what I started with the lapband.

What I really need right now is an intervention and HELP!

Happy 2nd Bandiversary to me

Today marks my second anniversary of having Kiki, my band. I haven't been a good bandster this year, but I am dealing with the fact that my journey has not ended and I still have a fair way to go. I am also dealing with the fact that 2 years ago, my obesity was killing me and I am in such a better place now, both phyiscally, mentally and emotionally. I can only be proud of how far I have come and what I have achieved.

Living life in Cambodia, I actually nearly forgot that today marked an anniversary. I do not know what I weigh, nor have I really been watching what goes into my mouth, but its safe to say I don't think I have actually gained to much since being here...in fact I am hoping that the few kilos that I put on before I came away have left me. I am not concerned about it all right now, but next week when I head to my new home in Seam Reap and get myself into a routine (and get off the beer) I can concentrate a little better.

In the past month I have been spending time with good friends and relaxing. ALOT of relaxing. However, I have also taken some opportunities to discover new talents and adventures....something I would never have done while carrying around the huge weight that I did not so long ago.

I went caving! Yes, and there was one point that I had to get myself through the tiniest hole that I could ever imagine. I went into complete breakdown and had a full blown panic attack, but with the encouragement and support of others that were with me I made it through...JUST! The sense of achievement that washed over me, once I stopped sobbing after the panic attack, was pure joy.

The other thing that I did, that I NEVER DO is sing karaoke all by myself on stage in front of a restaurant full of Cambodians. Another thing I am proud of, albeit I sang badly, I didn't care.

Everything is going well here, I am living a life that I want and it can only get better. I know that I have been extremely slack on the blogging and that is one thing that I feel guilty about, I certainly don't want to lose contact with all my bandster friends, and I am truly sorry that I will not be in Chicago with my BOOBS this year. My weight, my blogging and my journey really does need more attention, but as you can all understand and relate to, once you lose the weight and start living the life you want, it can be hard to sit in front of a computer, when all you want to do is get out there....that is not to say, I don't want to, I just need to find some time every couple of days to reconnect with you all. I really do miss you all. Have a fantastic time in Chicago.....and looking forward to hearing all the shenanigans you girls get up to.

I will blog more about my cambodian adventure soon.
Happy Anniversary to me!

Sitting in Singapore contemplating!

I know, I know..where have I been again?

Well all I can say is the past 4 months have been rather busy to say the least and now that I am back on the road again I can take a deep breath and contemplate this band that's wrapped around my tummy....the one I was so focused on up until 6 months ago! Not sure what has changed and I am not really happy about it..

However, here I am sitting in my hostel room in Singapore, taking a break from the heat of the day and decided to get onto my blog and see if it helps a little.

Let's just say I have put on weight, more than I would like to admit and more than I am happy about (although we are never really happy when we gain weight, right?). Well the past month all I seemed to do was stress eat and it's taken it's toll on me...I feel like crap! I hope 4 months in Cambodia, doing some much needed exercise (ie some hiking and jogging and swimming etc) and eating healthier food will do the trick.

I seemed to have jammed so much into the 4 months being home (alot in preparation for my Cambodian trip) was perhaps a little to much to do. It left me so stressed that a few weekends ago I just cried for 2 days straight and my back and neck was in so much pain because of it.. I was even having heart palpitations and shortness of breath! So not good....

On the other hand, some of the things I have been doing are things that I have wanted to do for years and not either had the courage to do them or fear because I was so fat. They are:

Completing a TEFL Certificate and a Young learners Certificate to teach English...I am officially an English teacher specialising in teaching kids (but can teach all levels and all students) - which is what I am hoping to be doing in Cambodia. The

Getting my motor bike licence! - I passed last week and have my learner riders licence. I had to do a weekend course to learn to ride, which was fantastic (if not a little hairy scary at times!) but I achieved it....something I have ALWAYS wanted to do....(my family are not very happy with the prospect of me being on a bike however my defence was that I should learn to ride properly if I am going to ride in Cambodia (which I would have done with or without a licence). And we all know what happened last time I was in Cambodia on a motor bike :)

But I am finally here..on my new journey, my new challenge and I hope I can refocus on myself. I desperately need to....I need to get back into double digits and get a little more toned.

I am excited and nervous, scared and happy about the next 4 months...I fly out of Singapore tomorrow....

If you are interested in my trip I have started a new blog on my travel blog site for the trip. You can find me here.

Can't believe the next BOOBS is just around the corner. Will miss you all this year...so ensure to have a drink or two for me in my honour! Enjoy ladies.

Until I can get back on here next time....xx

Remember Me?

Remember me? Wow can you believe I have been home for 7 weeks and I haven't been on the blogs nor have I had time to stop and actually breath. There are still many friends and some family that I haven't seen yet!

Arriving home was great. It was wonderful to see my family and close friends and they couldn't believe how much weight I have lost and how wonderful I was looking...little did they realise I haven't lost in 5 months! Heck 5 months, what have I been doing?

Since being home, I ended up taking a few days temp work over the Easter period before I started my course to teach English. That course has consumed my life for the past 4 weeks and I can now say as of yesterday I am a qualified ESL teacher. I can now teacher students English as a second language. I am not going to do a online Young Learners course to complement my certification. It has been an awesome experience with loads of teaching practice and I really think I have found my calling (at least for awhile).

It's not all been shiny and smiley though. My grandfather passed away 3 weeks ago suddenly. I am lucky that I got to see him a couple of times since I have been home. He had celebrated his 91st birthday only 4 days before he passed, so he has lead a full and very interesting life, but that didn't make it any easier. The funeral was a very emotional day and it was the first time I had seen alot of my close family since being home, ontop of all the family I haven't seen in over 25 years! This also happened smack bang in the middle of my course, so I was unable to take any time off (except for the funeral) to grieve. This weekend I have just slumped.

So with everything that has been going on, I haven't focussed on my weight at all. I had a small fill when I got home but it hasn't done anything. I don't know whether I really need another fill, but I certainly need to refocus and actually put myself on a strict diet. I think that is the only way I am going to shift this weight. I have been losing and gaining the same 3 kilos over the 5 months. Enough is enough....

In 6 weeks time I am heading to Cambodia for 4 months. I am super excited! My plans are to hang with my friend who I stayed with back in February and then head north to perhaps do some volunteer work (teaching english) in an orphanagem, then head back south to see what work I can get. But these plans are not set and I may end up staying down south the whole time....it truly is my slice of heaven and I am eager to get back.

So I have 6 weeks to get some weight off, get back into some exercise (as that has been lacking hugely since being home) and start to prepare for my upcoming adventure.

I am starting another temping assignment on Monday and will be contracted until July when I go. I am going to also use this time to catch up on everyone else's news....I have followed a few on facebook, but sadly not here....sorry girls...I will be up to speed soon.

Miss you all and looking forward to getting back in contact with you all.

xxx